Oh Shite Monkeys
by Written Nonsense
Summary: What happens when a Pottermore sorting leads me and my best friend to insert ourselves into the Harry Potter next generation? Chaos. Pure chaos with a side dish of humour and garnished with mashed potatoes and chicken. Read if you dare to see the inner workings of my mind. And HOLLY FRUDGIN' FLYING RAINBOW SHITE MONKEYS! I'm going to Hogwarts! OC-centric (if I count as an OC) Enjoy
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay so this first chapter may not be the best but I promise it gets funnier in the next if you stick around. Disclaimer: I obviously don't own harry potter, nor do I own my friend... I don't even own the idea to insert myself and my best friend into Harry Potter. -_-' So basically I only own myself. Well, I hope you enjoy... and possibly comment? ^_^ Well, on with the story.**

Dread and embarrassment filled me as I sat on the chair, feet unable to reach the floor. "Abigail Stewart, get down here this instant." My teacher's shrill voice commanded as I looked down in panic. I didn't mean to, I don't know how to control it. It's not like I wanted to levitate my chair to the ceiling.

I squirm in my suspended chair only to freeze and hold the chair in a death grip as it wobbled. It was like I was on one of those blow up pool toys or a canoe where the slightest movement could send me overboard. Only overboard meant wooden tables instead of water. I can hear the other students' laughs as frightful tears rolled down my cheeks. One of them through a paper plane dangerously close. Why was this happening? Why couldn't I just curl up in a ball and pretend it was all in my head? Oh yeah, because attempting that would equal a face full of wood.

I was always a bit slower than my classmates. No, I don't have a learning disability. I simply have to process concepts in my mind for a little longer than others. Probably explains why I never complete a test within the time limits. I also have an annoying habit of getting random headaches all the time. Oh and guess what, to add to my already distressed person one decides to hammer against my skull. I lift my hands to press on my forehead hoping to stop the pulsing ache. Bad idea. I enter a freefall as my chair dips out from underneath me. Time seems to slow as my impending doom is rising to meet me. No, wait, the teacher simply casted 'aresto momentum'. Time is at its normal speed, and I'm still screaming at the no longer threatening carpet. Unless I get a carpet burn that gets all infected. Can carpet burns get infected? And I'm still screaming- nope I just manage to clamp my jaw shut before landing with a slight thud as the air escapes my lungs. So you can slow my descent but you can't give me a nice gentle landing?

I HATE it here.

* * *

The corridor makes this place look like your average school. Pretty pictures from the art students lined the hallway and the large windows let in plenty of light. Doors had simple labels of the teachers' names. But that didn't change the fact that in the science lab we had stands to hold cauldrons over the Bunsen burners or that in the sports shed where flying broomsticks. The oval doubled for both muggle sport and quidditch and the principal had stolen Gandalf's beard. I'm not kidding. I'm looking right at him. He looks exactly like Gandalf except he's wearing a singlet shirt and coffee stained football shorts. And if that didn't scream professional loud enough for you he had his extremely hairy legs and exposed chipped toenails resting on his desk as he looked at me. Wait. He is looking at me. Looking at me with concern. Oh he asked me something, didn't he? Hagefulableah. **(A/N: I dare you to try to say that :P) **

"Abigail, this is Professor McGonagall." He gestures causing me to notice the stiff as a stick women looking at his attire with disgust. Her grey hair is in such a tight bun that I'm surprised it isn't being pulled out at the roots. She has dark emerald and black robes on and a very tall pointed hat. A freakin' pointed hat! May as well add a neon sign saying 'I'm a witch, deal with it' above her head. She does realise that there are both muggle and magic kids at this school, right? And that the muggles don't know, right? That's why we are spit up with the classes. "She is the Headmaster of Hogwarts."

Oh, so she isn't another teacher hired in an attempt to help my sporadic magic problem. I give her a shy smile while Mr I-stole-Gandalf's-beard still looks at me with those sad eyes. Okay so if it isn't my newest let's-control-your-magic helper then why am I here? Surely not to act as ambassador. For starters the sporadic magic under nerves situation. Secondly, I've only been here two and a half years. Wouldn't an older student be more suited? Mr Gandalf's-beard-thief knows I'm probably the shyest student in his school, he wouldn't make me play tour guide. Would he? It would explain that sad look his giving me. He is looking at me like that because he is sending me to my doom. And I thought you were nice Mr Cracked Toes.

"Look Abi, we've tried our best to help. But I'm afraid there isn't much left that we can do." He swings his legs under the desk, instead learning forwards as if trying to console a child. Oh wait, I am a child. Well at least I can rule out the ambassador option, I think. 'Best to help'. Best to help what? Is this to do with not being as quick as everyone else? Because I'm pretty sure there isn't any way to help that. Unless there is an almighty absorb-information-like-a-sponge potion. That would be cool. Until someone squeezes the sponge. On second thoughts maybe it wouldn't be so cool. "I understand that this will be hard for you, but Professor McGonagall here is willing to transfer you to Hogwarts. We both believe that the staff there may be able to help you with your spontaneous magic."

Oh it's back to the magic again. Wait, transfer to Hogwarts? How does that work? I'm being offloaded because I can't be controlled. Am I some kind of pet going to obedience school? What happens if this Hogwarts doesn't help? Will I just be off loaded to another school called Toadboils? Hogwarts is a strange name. I wonder where it is. But I can't. My parents don't know what I am. My sister is attending this school as a muggle. I sure as hell couldn't claim to have a scholarship. Maybe admittance into a Psych ward but definitely not another school. I don't know why but I just have this thing against letting my family know I am a witch. Call me crazy, call me weird, call me a bloody coward. I don't care, my family is not going to know about this.

"Abi?" Oh right, they are looking at me for a response. I really should leave all the excessive thought process until after the conversation. I'm pretty good at not thinking up anything useful until after the argument has ended. And I still haven't responded. Ground just swallow me now. Wait, no please don't swallow me. I forgot that last time it actually did. My teacher wasn't too happy about that. Her fault for making me do an oral.

"I… ugh… I… don't know." And of course my meek little unsure voice doesn't get across my inner argument. I play with my hands in my lap. Why couldn't I just be normal? What even is normal?

"Miss Stewart," the stern women starts but I interrupt her with my wide-eyed shock.

"You're British?" Nice going Abi. Way to make a good impression on your possible new principal. But if she is British does that mean Hogwarts is in England. I could never find a cover story for that. I guess she won't be my future principal after all.

"As I was saying, it would be in your best interest. Those who struggle to control their magic can't really last in either world. We simply wish to help. I'm sure if we spoke to your parents they would understand."

Panic rises again and I furiously shake my head. No, she can't tell my parents. I don't want them to know. The ceiling light starts to flicker in time with my racing heart. My flying hair turns a bright yellow, matching those radiation hazard signs. I don't want them to know. I don't want them to know.

"Abi." I look up at the principal as he says my name. "Calm down, Abi. We don't have to tell your parents. Of course we would have to talk to them about the transfer but they don't have to know." I knew there was a reason I was comfortable with his Bogan appearance. He was more laid back and understanding than what a strict well groomed adult would be. It was like my parents. My dad is more laid and relaxed while my mum was the rule enforcer who had to have everything perfect. But they definitely weren't to the extremes of the elder pair in front of me.

"Now why don't you go on and start lunch early. I can speak with your parents. All I need to know is that you are okay with this choice." I stare at his comforting eyes and reassuring smile before my own meek smile form and I give him a small nod. "Good, run along now. Oh and if you could tell the tuckshop to set aside a mince pie for me that would be marvellous."

**A/N: Okay. Please let me know what you think or if you spot any typo's (I try but I always miss something no matter what). Next chapter will be up tomorrow for those who stick around for the crazy to come. Cya next time ^_^**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm back as promissed ^-^ But don't expect this quick uploads everytime -.- Disclaimer: As I stated yesterday, I only own myself. As much as I hate that fact, it is still a fact and shall remain a fact until flying rainbow shite monkeys actually exist and take over the planet. Actually the fact would still remain even then. Damn. Well enjoy ^_^**

The school system is strange. It was strange enough skipping a grade when moving states but starting at the end of the year? You've got to be mad. But I guess peculiar thing are expected to happen when you move hemispheres to a solely magical inhabited school. It was September 1st and normally this would be my last week of holidays before going into the final term of the year. Instead I was standing in the middle of the Great Hall waiting to be sorted with all the eleven, or soon to be eleven, year olds. And guess what. The school is a freakin' CASTLE! A castle for merlin's sake. It had bewitched ceilings, empty armour along hallways (I checked) and a scruffy hat that sings before going all mind reader and sorting the randomly announced students.

"Clarke, James." The young teacher, maybe early twenties, called out. The eleven year old boy quickly hurried up the few steps and sat on the stool. It wasn't long after the hat fit snuggly over his eyes that it erupted with a house.

"GRYFFINDOR." The standardised clapping came from the long table with a red table cloth. Hmm, blue is my favourite colour. Maybe I will be in Ravenclaw. Then again, I also like green. Red is alright as long as it's that deep red of blood. Just don't put me in yellow. It's bad enough that my hair turns that horrendous colour in panic. It would take forever for it to return to its normal light brown and the other kids laughing didn't help. Which is why I am taking measures to avoid such attention ever again. I just wish wigs weren't so itchy.

"Stewart, Abigail." Oh Shite Monkeys. That's me, isn't it? I quickly step up to the stool, shoulders hunched in an attempt to seem smaller. Hey, smaller qual less attention, right? Or has my whole life been a lie? Of cause, me having a normal sized head unlike everyone else the scruffy hat engulfs my entire head and rests on my shoulders. Just wonderful.

'Hmm, interesting.'

HOLLY FRUDGING SHITE MONKEYS! THERE IS A NEW VOICE IN MY HEAD! PANIC! WHERE IS THE PANIC BUTTON! ABORT! ABORT! MUST KEEP SOME ASSEMBLENCE OF EXTERNAL SANITY! VOICES IN HEAD CAPACITY JUST REACHED MAX +1.

'Calm down girl. It's only me.' Odd, new voice sounds strangely like the scruffy hat. 'I would appreciate it if you didn't call me scruffy. The years don't do too well for one's appearance.'

Oh new voice is Mr Scruffy Hat. Inner voices have been reduced to a safe limit. 'I heard that!'

Oh sorry. So what is my mind like? I always thought it would be portrayed as chaotic in some way. With a large filter in overdrive stopping what happen upstairs from publicly humiliating me.

'Interesting, this is a tough choice.' He isn't even listening to me. A voice in my head won't even listen to me. And all those comments on the internet claim that I'm heartless for not crying at certain shows. Okay, maybe I laughed at the overly dramatised scenes but this hat is just being cruel. Maybe if I lit it on fire it would answer my question.

"SLYTHERIN!" Gorlog's eyebrows that was loud. Oh Merlin it burns. What happened to my nice darkness? Oh it's the Great Hall. And the green table is cheering. I was just sorted, wasn't I? In order to not make my mental situation known a small smile is plastered on my face and my body auto pilots over to my new house. Well that went well. Hey, Mr Scruffy Hat never answered my question!

* * *

Hogwarts is certainly different. But I guess there is no need to hide what we are here. There were jinxes being cast in the hallways. The stairs moved to their own beat and there was no guarantee that that door was actually a door instead of the portrait beside it. Ghost would pop up through your plate as you ate and owls delivered mail every breakfast. I hadn't switched hemispheres; I had jumped down the bloody rabbit whole and landed in wonderland. I mean a chivalrous suit of armour had shown me the way to the Great Hall for breakfast. We may have linked arms and pretended to be on our way to the Wizard of Oz until the large doors were insight. Don't question my sanity; it doesn't appreciate people pointing out its less than average size. Today is my first day of classes. I guess it isn't wonderland after all.

"Miss Stewart." Gorlog's toenails this is going to be hard to get used to. Students are referred to by first names! And Teachers are Miss/Mrs/Mr insert-last-name. I look up at Mrs Rosier, the Slytherin house teacher, while halfway through eating a hash brown. I nervously eat my mouthful of fried potato. At least I think it's fried.

"Yes Mrs Rosier?" I ask quietly. I have every right to be nervous. Sure she looks like a nice lady but looks can be deceiving. Just look at my calm quiet and shy exterior compared to my thoughts. See, deceiving. Besides, she is a teacher in freakin' huge heals. She could easily tower over me without them. But no, she is wearing I-want-giant-height shoes whilst I'm sitting on a lowly bench. Intimidation and power demonstration much?

"Please, here it's Professor." She smiled warmly. I'm in the snake's hole aren't I. She is going to bite me any moment now. "Could you please follow me? I have some things to discuss with you."

Yep definitely the snake hiding behind the flowers. I'm dead, aren't I? At least soon to be. I nod cautiously before standing up, taking my hash brown with me. I'm not neglecting such a yummy piece of food because a teacher wants to have a few words before killing me. To my surprise another student stood waiting in the corner as I followed Madame Deception.

"Miss Clarke, this is Miss Stewart the transfer student. I was hoping you could help her out since you have the same class schedule." Transfer student? I thought I was just gonna blend in with the other first years; I'm probably at the same level as them. Apparently not. And oh my frudging, flying, talking, blue cats! It's the mash potato girl! Maybe I should explain. Let's just say this bubbly brunet in front of me, at equal height, has been quite loud in voicing her love for chicken and mashed potato over the past few dinners. In fact she is also in my dorm and I swear she was dreaming about the food. Explanation over and out. I may have enjoyed quietly watching her interactions with those around her. Definitely not a morning person might I add. No, I haven't been stalking her. She is simply entertaining to watch when she is in the same room. DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! I thought my mind would at least understand, guess I was wrong. Yes, Mind, I am having one sided conversations with you. Thinking of which, you need a name rather than 'mind'. Pretending you're actually an imaginary friend would be better for my sanity levels… I think. Name, name, name. What's a good name? Bosco? But what if you're a girl? Hmmm. Some input would be helpful. Oh right, these are strictly one sided. Damn. How about-

"Sure. My name's Rebecca, but please call me Becca or Bec." She smiled, her Irish accent highly notable. Oh, currently involved in human interaction, I guess your name will have to wait. Sorry. Not really. Anyway… I am about to reply when another voice cuts me off.

"Oi Drumstick, I never knew you as one to pass on breakfast." A pale boy calls out cheerfully from the Slytherin table.

"Oh cram it Albino!" She shouted back with a huff. I take the chance to eat the last half of my hash brown. "Anyway, what was your name again?"

"Uh… Abigail." I say in a small yet, for once, calm voice. Pat on the back, self. You are improving.

"Sweet." She says as she starts walking towards the one temporarily dubbed as 'Albino'. Rosier had left and I just stood there slightly awkwardly. Was I meant to go back to my breakfast of something? Before I had time to mull over this she had turned around a grabbed my wrist. "Well aren't you coming? I don't know about you but I want some scrambled eggs."

"Gee, take your time why don't ya? No need to rush. I know it's had to survive without being in my presence but I prefer it when girls play hard to get." 'Albino' remarks sarcastically as Bec sits down diagonal from him, forcing me to sit across from Blondie.

"In your dreams Malfoy. As if anyone would rush to your company- OH MY MERLIN! The house else gave us chicken for breakfast! I LOVE YOU HOUSE ELVES!" Bec sang happily, oblivious to the looks she got.

"Did I miss something?" A third voice questioned as a mass of uncontrollable brown curls plonked down tiredly next to 'Malfoy'. Instantly Bec calmed down a notch and her cheeks tinged pink.

"Not really. Our dear Becca here just proclaimed she is having yet another affair behind the mashed potatoes' back with the house elves." He shrugged than gained a slightly cynical smirk as he leaned towards the female brunet. "You realise that's kind of bestiality, right?"

"Oh shut it Malfoy. Back-up, help me." Before I realised what was happening two hands had grabbed my shoulders and forced me in between the blond and brunet like as shield. Holly crap! WHY MUST YOU ENVOLVE ME?! I was perfectly happy just watching the banter.

"Uhh… Hi." I manage to squeak out. At least I'm not the only one shocked. There is the tired Mr Uncontrollable hair, oh and the platinum blond inches from my face. Holly Frudging Shite Monkeys. Holly Frudging Shite Monkeys. HOLLY FRUDGING SHITE MONKEYS! Suddenly the surrounding goblets decide that gravity shall play no force over their contents as juice started to rise one drop at a time. And form one big levitating orb of liquid. Right above my head. Damn you magic, damn you. As if my heart racing at painful speeds in panic wasn't enough you go and cause a seen.

"What's going on?" Sleepy curls slurred as he attempted to take a sip from his now empty goblet. I manage to squirm back into my seat just as the large orb fell. It was safe to say no one was going to eat those eggs. Unfortunately Ghosty hadn't had the foresight to shift back as well. His face was splashed with the drink. I clam up in embarrassment and start playing with my hands. Laughter erupts beside me as Bec slams her hand playfully on my shoulder.

"I knew you would be good back up. Dude, you have to teach me that spell. I didn't even see your wand. Haha Scor, you should see your face." I look at her with wide eyes before switching my gaze to the blond I just sprayed with juice. He seems mad as he uses the napkin to angrily wipe his face.

"Urgh! Just wait until my father hears about this!" I shrink back at the sudden arrogant and pompous outburst. Oh flying shite monkeys, I've already messed up. He hates me. He really hates me. He hates me so much he just cracked a smile and burst out into laughter with Bec. Wait, laughing? So he isn't mad? What's going on? "I have to hand it to you, you got me good. I didn't suspect a thing. I'm Scorpious Malfoy."

"I… uhh.. Abigail Stewart…?" Gorlog's beard mouth, did you really just provide my name as a question? Is there any hope for you? Stop laughing mind or I'll call you Helga Vin Shnotts. Yes, I went there.

"Stewart ehh? Where'd you find this one Clarke?" He questions good naturedly as he started eating his breakfast.

"Professor Rosier asked me to help her gain her ropes. She's a transfer." Bec shrugged it off while piling chicken onto her plate. I seek out the hash browns again. I'm sorry, they're damn good. Meanwhile Mr Medusa Hair's face crashes into his plate. Did he take sleeping pills too late into the night and is still under their affects?

"Oh pull yourself together Al. I told you not to read that quidditch book the night before school." Scorpious scolded as he yanked the now dubbed 'Al' into a sitting position by his collar. Hmm, so he was reading until the dim hours of the night. And Scorpious has an adult-ish side. I glance around the table before finding a pitcher of water. Wordlessly I pass it to the blond."What is this for?" He looks between the water and me in confusion. I point to 'Al' who is about to fall back on his plate. Apparently he still wasn't getting the plan. I will never attempt telepathy with thee slow minded human. Yes, I am being hypocritical. Deal with it.

"Wake up call?" I squeak out. Realisation dawned on his sharp, pale features. A wicked smile forms on his lips as he grabs the handle. Bec looks mortified and starts to protest but Scorpious is already tipping the entire jug on to Mr Sleepy. Instantly he is up in a spluttering mess. Random sounds fly loudly and angrily as his green eyes looked furious. I believe I made out 'hudgah' and 'fulabergah' and 'ja'. Maybe that last one was German. Scorpious laughed enthusiastically and Bec seemed torn between mortification and amusement. Meanwhile I smiled in my own amusement. It did help his bed hair after all.

**A/N: Hope you liked it. Please let me know what you think. Also inform me of errors. I seem incapible of finding every freakin' typo I make. Next chapter should be up next week. Bye until then. ^-^**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I'm back~ ^_^ Did you miss me? Well I'm back either way so deal with it. Disclaimer: Just the usual. I only own myself. Blah Blah Blah Rainbow flying monkeys. La de dah. And on with the story. ^-^**

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry my bony ass! It should be called Hogwarts Labyrinth of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I want a highly detailed map! Oh hello trick step, thank you for causing me to kick my toe... again. I swear this building is either temperamental or enjoys screwing people over just as much as Peeves. Maybe both. But unlike Peeves, it doesn't favour Slytherins. I don't think it favours anyone. Actually it favours the teacher. That or they have solved the enigma of its pranks. Honestly, I memorised the path Bec showed me to astronomy yesterday. Today the hallway was a door that seemed to believe it was a dog. The handle was even slobbering everywhere. I was about to attempt patting the splintered wood to pass through when Bec, Scorpious and Albus (that's Mr Sleepy from the first day) quickly whisked me on a different route.

"Honestly, you're like a lost puppy. You still haven't learnt your way around?" Albus teases with a friendly smile. I'm sorry I'm used to buildings that remain the same every day of the week and aren't out to humiliate you. As soon as you think you have an area mapped out in your mind there is suddenly a painting instead of a door and a door instead of a wall.

"You're just sore that this little puppy came up with a way to wake you up." Scorpious laughed while leaning on my shoulder. "I like this new pet. It's the perfect height." Oh I'm a pet now as well as a leaning post? I subtly glare at the blond out the corner of my eye as he messes up my hair. Any harder and my wig would have been dislodged. "See, good pup." He grins.

Before I can build up the courage to act on my rage I'm torn out from being a support post. Bec placed herself between me and Scorpious. "My pet, go find your own." I guess the 'back up' situation also works in reverse. Yay for kidnapped by a professor and dumped with the crazies! No that was not sarcasm. The crazies are the best group to be a part of in any school. Only requirement is a slight lack of sanity. BEST GROUP EVER!

But it would help if I had the guts to actually open up from my introverted self. Why did my sister steal all the confidence stats from me? Shut up, it's possible because I say so. Oh and while I'm talking to you, I think I have found a name. Internal happy dance. Be sure to include the Fairy Tail air fist pump thingy at the end. As I was saying, from now you shall be dubbed Aya, Aya DeWolfe. Yes, I may have randomly found names in the library's student records. Shhh, don't tell Pince.

"I don't care who's pet she is, can we get to astronomy? It's actually a practical lesson for once." Albus hissed trying to get us to hurry up. Oh really? I thought that it would be another theory lesson in the middle of the night and that the recommendation to bring coats for cold winds was due to that crack in the back window. Thank you for clearing that up Mr Birds Nest. I didn't think he liked astronomy.

Laughter erupts beside me causing me to jump way from the bubbly brunet. I glance around. Both Albus and Scorpious where frozen on the steps ahead looking straight at me. Why are they staring at me in shock? And my lips are open? I said that out loud, didn't I? Mind-to-mouth filter, why did you malfunction on me!? I thought I could trust you. Sure, Bec doesn't have one like you but that doesn't remove your importance for my sanity and safety. Okay, time to face the music.

"Umm, how much of that was out loud?" I ask nervously. Bec smiles at me with a hand on my shoulder. Oh and my dear imaginary friend Aya, Bec's lack of surprise is because she witnessed another of my filter malfunctions this morning in the dorm when I attempted to wake her up. Newest observation is that she isn't a morning person. And that Al makes her alert. I may have said that Mr Curls was in the dorm. I'm not evil! I'm just cunning. Stop laughing.

"From 'Oh really' to 'Mr Birds nest'" She laughed but her cheeks still tinged as she said the nickname for Al.

"Eh? Well let's go. Would hate to miss out on the star gazing." I quickly mumble dragging Bec and myself into the lead. Someone repair my filter or give me a Gryfindor's courage. Option A is probably a safer option. Who knows what I would do with such mindless courage. I believe a mental institute is a safe guess for the end results.

* * *

After an oh so wonderful week I have come to the conclusion that Mind-to-mouth filters have selective malfunctioning issues. And I wasn't able to control the selectiveness of my own. But I have discovered the causes of its selectiveness. Yes, I am making perfect sense. Don't judge. It's rude. Anyway apparently my filter takes much needed breaks when I'm in the company of people I'm comfortable with. At Hogwarts at this point in time that means Bec, Scorpious and Albus. Oh and that Ravenclaw who helped me find the old student records. I believe the name was Kaitlyn? Don't try to get any more than that out of my memory. It has a selectivity towards fiction and fantasy. So much for the Mind-to-mouth filter repair. Maybe I need a replacement? Well at least it is still working fine with teachers. Otherwise Professor Moore would know how ridiculous and over analytical she is being over rubber ducks and Professor Binns would have had a butter knife thrown through his chest to inform him of his deceased status. But no, I have maintained my perfectly quiet and sane exterior to those outside of my little comfortable associations circle.

On a more positive note, because I can't determine whether the previous note is positive, I haven't had another spontaneous magic explosion since first day. Be proud Aya, be proud.

Don't you dare tell me you forgot your name?! I dubbed thee Aya DeWolfe. I'm sorry it didn't have some wonderful ceremony with the queen knighting you by placing a sword on you shoulders. There was too great of a risk that she may decapitate you. Not really. I was in the middle of an ownership-over-a-pet argument. Said pet being yours truly. Well Scorpious has agreed that I was Bec's pet. I'm not sure if I should be happy or insulted. But he still calls me pet and puppy. I'M NOT A DOG, I AM A WOLF! AHROOOH! That was a howl Aya, it was definitely a howl.

Back on track. No spontaneous magic. Yay!

"Gail, are you even listening?" Oh, I'm with people. Opps. Wait Gail?

"What did you call me?" I stare at Albus.

"Gail. As in the second half of your name."

"Why?" No, I didn't sound blunt, abrupt or annoyed. I simply sounded confused.

"Scorp calls you Stewart and Becca calls you Abi. Figured there had to be another nickname for me to call you by. Low and behold, you are now Gail." He had his now signature cheeky smirk. The poor boy has spent too much time Mr Smirk King. AKA Scorpious. I guess it isn't too bad.

"Okay. As long as you spell it G.A.L.E." I shrug. Now it was his turn to be confused.

"Wha-?"

"Don't question it."

"But-"

"Al. Simply accept and move on."

Yeah. I am definitely investing in a new filter.

"Oi, will you two hurry up. I need chicken!" Bec shouted across the now empty classroom. When did everyone leave? Aya, why did you distract me? I thought we were friends.

Rolling my eyes, I gather my books into my bag and run towards the blond and brunet in the doorway. I couldn't help the huge grin on my face.

"What an obedient puppy you have Clarke. How did you train it?" Should I or shouldn't I act on growing annoyance. To act or not to act. Hmmm. "Maybe you could train it to obey me as well."

Act it is.

I jump onto the tall blond like a clip koala a whack him over the back of the head. Gently of course. He needs all the brain cells he has to learn the lesson.

"Keep treating me like a dog and I will bite you. And that is a promise." I scold as he exclaims in surprise. Yep I'm a badass. "As punishment, you have to give me a piggyback ride to the Great Hall."

I'm also childish. I refuse to act my age, deal with it. Surprisingly Scorp actually complies. Yay! No walking! Mwhahahaha. Take that trick steps. Wait the Great Hall is going to be full of people. I didn't think this through, did I? Oh frudging flying shite monkeys. To hell with them. I'm in a good mood, perhaps slightly childish but good none the less, and I get a free ride. No one can knocking me down. Take that world. I bite my thumb at thee!

Wait! Scorp! That's a tick step!

.

.

.

Ouch.

**A/N: Please let me know what you think and of any of my errors. And until next time, Roar! Oh and bye ^-^**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hello, hello, hello ,hello. Again, I hope you enjoy this self-plus-friend-insert into the Harry Potter series. Disclamer: I don't own Harry Potter. Only myself. If I did own Harry Potter the universe would have been devided by zero. Why? Because it's impossible. Now onto humiliating myself. Opps, I mean; on with the story.**

The human race is highly complex. They all react to situations with different emotions and can find a multitude of ways to express a single emotion. In other words you never know what they will do. On the bright side after observing someone for a multitude of time, you can somewhat predict the outcome.

And the outcome of my muggle references has always been met with blank stares in my house. Safe to assume none of them will ever understand and that my 'wise cracks' are simply for my own amusement (and the odd muggle born in my classes). Apparently not today.

"Alright, who would like to hold one?" Professor Oak, hehe Pokémon, asks as he points to the cage of Minxtrels. The small monkey like creatures had large fangs and claws and poison tipped spikes on their tails. Yes the teacher had just finished explaining how dangerous these spiky hair balls are and is offering to let us hold one. Of course it was met with silence.

"I volunteer, I volunteer as tribute." I raise my hand after the pregnant pause. To hell with sharp poisonous things, those hairballs are cute. Several muggle borns in Gryffindor laugh, and I believe one yelled 'katnip'. I love you too random citizen! You may be wondering where the sudden confidence came from. Well I'm currently sandwiched between to two, and surrounded by three, of my mind-to-mouth filter defectors and anxiety nullifiers. Oh and this is DADA. Professor Oak is a nice old Asian man who gets my Death Note references. Best teacher ever! And no, i'm not racist. I'm Panda! So my filter has shut down for the time being.

Wait is Bec laughing at my Hunger Games reference? There is hope for my friends yet!

"May the odds be ever in your favour." She laughs as Oak encourages me to the front. Did you hear that Aya? This friend shall never leave! Even if we have to trap her in a suitcase. OK I won't trap her in my suitcase, or a dungeon, but she shall be our friend forever!

Oh hello little poisonous monkey thing. It fits on my hand with ease. It reminds me of Jack from Pirates of the Carabien. Not Jack Sparrow. Jack; Barbossa's monkey. Hey, those claws are sharp. Oh look at that crazed fanged smile. Isn't it adorable!? Hey, don't cut me with your tale. That hurts! Aww look at all the pretty sparkles. Are they stars? When did it become night time? Whoa, I think I need to sit down. Oh hello ground, how welcoming of you to rush towards me. Are curving up to give me a hug? That's sweet. Everything is becoming dark. Someone should light the torches. Thud.

* * *

Sometimes you enjoy the company of your friends. Sometimes you want to strangle them. Then there are those times when you want to lock them in a broom cupboard until they can have a normal conversation. At the moment that would require all three to be locked in that freakin' small room. 'Why?' you ask. Good question. Let's see.

Bec, despite her loud boisterous personality with no mind-to-mouth filter in sight, has become slightly shy around Al. Al has taken her lack of outburst as a belief that she dislikes him and avoids speaking to her. Scorpious claims to know the reason for Bec's odd behaviour but simply teases Al rather then tell him. And because of Scorpious's apparent knowledge, him and Bec's bicker battles have become more like out right fights. There would be fists but Scorp seems to prefer cat fights.

So, yeah, not the most pleasant conversations are going on at the moment. We're third years (don't ask me how I am with people a year older than me. McGonagall mention something about starting a year earlier back home) for Merlin's sake. For once I feel like I must act the adult while my friends are the three year olds. I wanna be the three year old!

So when these pleasantries are exchanged who do they turn to? Yours truly. I'm not Professor Patil. You want advice see the freakin' seer! Maybe I should see her about how to resolve this situation. Oh would you look at that. A broom cupboard just as another round of verbal abuse is starting. That 'lock until civil' plan is looking highly tempting. Screw it, in you go kiddies.

"Wha-!?" They all exclaim as I push them in and shut the door.

"What the hell, Abi?!"

"Stewart! Let us out!"

"When I get out you are so dead, Gale!" Ah, all this ramming against the door provides a nice back massage. Though I am surprised that they have this much room for movement. Oh I should probably tell them the conditions.

"You're staying in there until you all hug and make-up. Scorpious has to apologize for the teasing. Bec has to talk to Al without getting shy and Al has to realize that she is just shy and doesn't hate him." I smile proudly to myself.

"In a broom cupboard!?" They scream after no doubt have shocked glances at each other. Well normally I would pull the aside individually to talk, but hey, this is amusing. Don't look at me like that, I'm a Slytherin!

"Yes, in the broom cupboard. Now hurry up before I cast a silencio and go enjoy dinner by myself." Silence. That's strange. I thought they would complain for a little longer before complying. Wait. Oh you stupid magic! You went and cast the spell all by yourself. And I can't remember the counter spell. Oops. Now how will I know when there done? Maybe I'll just give them ten minutes. Yeah they should be civil by then. But what am I supposed to do for ten minutes?

"Hey, your Al's friend, right?" I look up at a first year with bright red hair. I nod. What am I supposed to say? 'Sure, I'm Al's friend but I don't know for how much longer 'cause I kind of locked him in this cupboard behind me.' Yeah, I don't know this chick and so my introverted-ness is at a peak. "I'm Lilly, his sister. Anyway, could you tell him mum owled and we're staying here for the Christmas break?"

Al has a sister? Oh and he can probably hear this right now. Wait, she finished with a question. "Yeah. Sure. Will do." I squeak out. Christmas break. I don't even know what I'm doing. Christmas is normally when whatever family members available get together. Maybe I should stay.

"Thank you so much." She smiled and hugged me. She hugged me! Little red haired girl claiming to be Al's sister hugged me! I awkwardly give her a one armed hug before she breaks off and skips away. Skips away! I thought I was the only one who skipped in the halls! And there is banging against the door again. Are they finished? Hmm best check.

I carefully open the door to a different scene. Bec had slammed Scorp against the door/wall(half door, half wall) and was punching the crap out of him. She also was grumbling about 'you don't just spill secrets, especially a girls crush' as he yelp and squealed 'not the face'. Al, well Al looked stunned, dazed and dumb founded.

"Okay well I'm just going to go to dinner. I'll see you guys there." I smile nervously as I back away slowly before sprinting away with Scorpious crying out for help. Remind me never to get on Bec's bad side.

**A/N: Ahh, I'm being a coward. Nothing like ending a chapter than running away to the Great Hall. Anyway Let me know what you think and please let me know of any errors. Farewell until next chapter. ^-^**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'm back... again. Disclaimer: I own nothing except myself.**

There are moments in life where you don't know whether to regret them or not. Most times the emotional response is obvious. Like that time in primary school when you raised your hand and the teacher isn't accepting questions only to be told after you pissed your pants that you actually walk up to the teacher for toiletry needs. Shame, embarrassment, tears and that regretful memory haunting you for the rest of your life slowly adding to the depth of your growing pit of despair. That was only me? Now I feel like more of an idiot. Next time stop me before I go down embarrassment lane. Anyway, trying desperately to forget that, back on track. Normally it's obvious, like pre-mentioned horror story, but sometimes it's not. Instead it could be be a toss-up between shame and self-pride. Like the current circumstance.

So remember how I cowardly fled after locking my friends in a broom cupboard? And how Al was so stunned it looked like someone had cast 'locomotor mortis' on him? Well my magic must have been is a spontaneous mood that day. Yesterday. Noting time passage is important. Not really. So I think you can guess what happened as I so bravely ran to the sanctuary of food. My magic made the previous observation true. It did the freakin' full body binding curse on Albus. Which caused said Potter to face plant. And gain a concussion. And had to stay in the infirmary for overnight observation. See where the shame and embarrassment is coming in? No? You're even more heartless than me. I command you and ask thee how I can lose my stupid heart as well?

Okay so before we get to the pride part a bit of background information is in order. Whilst trapped with the brooms Al, being such a peaceful person, was the first to address the issues at hand; confessing that the lack of interaction between himself and Becca bothered him. How he hated her ability to interact with Scorp and Moi so naturally but clammed up with him. This was followed by more shy Bec. I still struggle to understand how 'Bec' and 'shy' can be in the same sentence without any negative inclination. That makes sense, right? Of course this frustrated Al until Scorpious shouted that Bec likes Al and thus ending in the situation I opened the door to. Oh my flying rainbow Merlin. Did anyone else not see that coming? How does one respond to such a revelation? Jump up and down excitedly exclaiming that two of your friends are getting together? Me think not. That would leave me third wheeling it along with Scorp. He's a great friend but I could only handle so many jokes about him being 'Uncle Scor' while I am the family pet before I plot his untimely death. Besides they're only just turning thirteen. I'm still convinced in the cooties theory. Okay, maybe I'm not, but I shall to continue to act like it. I think I heard about the birds and the bees far too early in life and am scared to the point that French kissing is too disturbing. Back to Bec and Al, I still say they're too young. At the moment it would be hormones, curiosity and experimentation and I don't want hormones destroying a possibly lifelong friendship. Luckily Al has some logic about him and understands the possible destruction such a relationship could have. Ok, so really he was just unsure about whether he shares Bec's feelings and didn't won't things to be awkward. So in the half hour that Bec left his side for breakfast, after a few threats, reasonable observations and Scorp literally dragging her out, Al 'woke up' and we devised a fool proof plan. Al would pretend that the blow to the head caused him to forget everything that happened after I closed the door. I'm sure those accusing glares are just part of the act. Right? Bec also seemed a little relieved that that now Al hadn't found out her crush through Scorpious blabbing. And now the two could accomplish actual conversation.

I got my friends to be civil again without any awkward relationship nonsense. That, Aya, is where my pride comes in as I watch the two. They are laughing together as Bec sat beside him, even playfully hitting his shoulder to which he would entertainingly go all dramatized about inflicting pain on a patient. "Nice work Stewart." Scorpious grins mischievously as he leans on my shoulder. Yep, I should employ my diplomacy skills more often.

"When I find a girl you can play cupid again. We can even find you a little bow."

WHAT?! He thinks- cupifludriple- wha!? He thinks- rainbow unicorns- I – shite monkeys- cupid?! Hallefalodguah! He thinks I'm playing matchmaker?! Scorpious, you are an idiot. Now where is breakfast? I need sustenance! And hot chocolate.

* * *

No matter how old I am I refuse to act my age. It's the best way to live a fulfilled life. My daredevil of an uncle is testimony to that. So age does not equal maturity. Got it? Good. Even when Professor McGonagall is confronting you in her office. You see I said age does not equal maturity, but I didn't say which way. When confronted by adult or adult situations one must take on the maturity of an adult. Thus age does not equal maturity; it is younger than the maturity level. And yes the reference to being confronted by McGonagall is because that is my current situation. Clever Aya, you learn so quickly.

"Miss Stewart," I mentally cringe at the title. Yeah, I'm still not use to it. "I have been informed of the situation with your friends in the broom cupboard"

She seemed to fight down a blush at those words. Way to make to conversation awkward. Who would have thought McGonagall could have dirty thoughts that caused her cheeks to flush. Maybe there has been one too many instances for any other conclusion to come to mind first. What is wrong with humanity? Ok so maybe it should be more of what isn't wrong but anyways.

"Your magic is starting to get out of control again." Oh yeah, that was my first incident since that breakfast while here. So they are going to start addressing it now. Have they decided that I'm a hopeless case and are going to off load me again? But I just got some friends. "I have spoken with trusted associates and we have come to a conclusion."

At her words a portrait of an old grey beard wizard looked quite prideful and knowledgeable. Rainbow Merlins, it's another Gandalf look-alike! Except he wore red and purple robes. It's Gandalf the noble! I don't give a crap about that maturity stuff I said before. Just how many Gandalf look-alike wizards are there?

"We have decided that the only way to help you gain control is for you to become skilled in wandless magic." They going to teach me wandless magic? Isn't that as ancient as Merlin himself? Binns is the only one who could come close to that era let alone majority of the staff who seem less than forty. How can they possibly teach me such an ancient art? They are going to off load me, aren't they? "Unfortunately none of your professors are skilled in the art so every Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday lunch you will come here to my office and be taught by the past Headmasters."

I follow her hand gesture and see the many portraits all over the walls finally finishing at Gandalf the Noble. "This is Professor Dumbledor. He will be your main instructor for your lessons."

The old man smiled and had a mischievous twinkle in his eye. I like him already.

"Hello, Miss Stewart." Okay, liking him slightly less now. "Do you like Sherbet lemons? I found them quiet delectable."

Okay Gandalf the rapidly growing creepy, I shall humour you. "I've never had one before, sir. I never knew about them before arriving here. But I must say that for me, nothing beats chocolate or sour worms."

"Excellent, much like Remus. He was highly fond of chocolate too. Minerva, for the first session could you please supply some of Miss Stewarts favourite treats?" Okay, be creepy and call me Miss Stewart all you want Mister. You are officially my favourite teacher.

**Don't forget to tell me what you think or of my errors. Knowing me there is bound to be a few. **

**Mollop the Dollop: Yes it would be very cool. I would collect them all and make them my awesome army**

**Night199596: Thank you very much. I'm glad to see you like it**


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